Looking back the past years I had in this life , has never been a regret. At first, I was resilient in facing the truth that things weren't happening, but then in a blink of an eye... I realized that I was really messed up. I blamed an ex before, for hurting me so badly as months after our break up, my outlook in life & personality completely change. After 4 years being in-love with a "guy" I thought would be my future partner, I was in denial after the cheatings he did. I was totally DEVASTATED -- in the sense that numbness poured through in every inch of my being. I dont know what to feel, to think, to say that time because he cheated, he fooled, and he mistreated me. I became a different person I myself haven't known. The pain & heartaches consumed my entirity that I suffered so much for what happened. I remembered leaving our home unknowingly. My family & friends tried their best to reach out for me. Then came a time for my last stint of patience -- I just totally let go.
Changing my cell numbers, blocking his email messages, rejecting all his phone calls, I all went through that -- just eluding any means he could reach me, yet he still tried. He still tried to ruin my serene life after that. I called him many unpleasant names, said appaling things that would just let him go away... He did got onto another relationship with anew girl now which he met online. After several months, he did reached out to me when he came back from the Phils. We met again -- but this time the longing to be with him was there filling in. Yet I know it was very damn wrong with a guy who's involved. And at the same time HE WAS MY EX. Anyway, I remembered we talked that time. It bothered me a lot after he said that he still care. That's when I realized that here he goes again... I really was kinda disappointed because it's easy for him to say to me that he still has feelings for me yet when he knows he's already committed. We did communicate after that, he calls from time to time, but then I don't feel the same anymore. I don't feel I lost him -- weird is, I was glad we weren't together since it would be very complicated.
And now that he's totally out of my life I'm much happier as I can live my normal life again -- I can breathe freely & be the person I used to be. My world revolved around him before -- which I know was wrong. I learned my lesson the hardest way. Struggling to get back all the years that passed when we were still together, I finally can say I have survived all of it.
I'm not sharing a part of my story to ruin that person (for those who knew the guy) but I'm actually thankful that I went through those heartaches. It just feels great being myself again -- expressing what I really feel. A chapter of my life passed by with him which consists of good & bad mem'ries. I'd never regret being with him [though I remember saying I hate him...] that time because he did catalyzed for my maturity. After all, I did once loved him.
It really took some time for me to really end up the misery he's causing me. Time just passed by, changes happen unknowingly. Now living in a different world, I know time will come that love will again come my way...
Being close to my family & friends again I feel blessed that at last I can rev up and pursue all the goals left hanging before, during the time of my solitary. My mom did a very special role in making me realize how special I am -- she pointed out the toughness I have amongst my sisters. Friends cheered me up & made me feel proud of myself being single again. Special people like them make me strive to be the best person I can be. Through praying ceasingly, all my lost dreams before were finally coming true one by one. I'm glad that I made such changes. Even though I don't have a BF now, at least I can say that my life's complete.
As our pastor told us singles, "God planned your life before your first breathe; what happened, what happens, what will happen is a part of the chapter of your life as God has planned. We had "free will" to choose our own way -- making decisions -- right or wrong. Be careful and seek God's guidance so as not to lose your way. If it turned out sour, that means he didn't chose it for you to follow but He's still behind you in every way, all you need to do is acknowledge His power to carry you through." Good enough I confessed all the sins I had in the past. I did have wrong decisions which I dealt carelessly. But now I know it was just a learning process.
"Sometimes in life, you find a special friend;
Someone who changes your life just by being part of it. Someone who makes you laugh until you can't stop; Someone who makes you believe that there really is good in the world. Someone who convinces you that there really is an unlocked door just waiting for you to open it."
